Lucky Cat ( a B³ hidden track )

I went to a Chinese restaurant with my mom. They had one of those waving cat figurines there. I told her that I had seen them before, and was wondering what they were all about. She suggests that I ask one of the people who work in the restaurant.

I think about it and say, "nah."

"Why not?" she asks.

I say, "They'll just tell me it has something to do with luck. All popular Asian symbols have something to do with luck, or so it seems."

So she decides to ask herself. On the way out, she asks the middle-aged Asian man behind the cash register, "What is the significance of the waving cat?"

He says, "It's for good luck. It's a lucky cat."

I told her, but did she listen?! No!

Speaking of cats, one of our cats, who goes by the name Muffin, God bless her walnut-sized brain, has gotten in the habit of climbing into the kitty litter tray and taking a dump over the side and right onto the god damn floor.

She must be an unlucky cat. If she starts waving at me while taking a crap on the floor, I am going to need a little ride in the looney van.
- Bernie  ¶ 9:53 PM 0 comments

A Note From The Author One evening back in March, I was sitting in front of my computer chatting in a couple of IRC chatrooms. One of the regulars in one of these rooms was going on and on about absolutely nothing. He was boring me to tears. I couldn't take it anymore, and I just had to vent. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, I started mocking him in the other chatroom so he couldn't see what I was saying.

Yes, that's right, I was making fun of somebody behind their back. You got a problem with that?

Pretending I was making an entry in this dullard's diary, I wrote, "Dear Diary: Today I noticed that my kitchen clock stopped working. I suspected a dead battery was the cause. I put in a new battery. It started working again. I reset the time and hung it back on the wall. Who knows what challenges will face me tomorrow? Good bye for now."

I got a laugh. I posted another couple of short mock diary entries in the chatroom, and somebody suggested that I start posting these boring entries in a blog. I've never been a big fan of blogs, so I liked the idea immediately. It could be a way to make fun of blogs and make fun of this boring guy, and boring people in general, at the same time. We discussed ideas for what this character's name might be, and after a few minutes, Bernie Michaels was born.

Although Bernie was initially based on one person, I changed some of his traits, and added some traits from a couple of other people, and pretty soon, Bernie had taken on a life of his own. I found myself getting caught up in the writing process and had a blast writing about Bernie's daily exploits. A lot of the chatroom regulars who were in on it from the beginning kept making excellent suggestions, and I tried to use as many of these suggestions as possible. While some of Bernie's experiences were pure fiction, many were derived from the real experiences from a number of people, including me (beetles, comics, signing up for digital phone).

Before I go, I have to show my appreciation to the following people, without whom, Bernie's Boring Blog would not have been wasting precious resources on the Information Highway:

Thanks to Derek Rogers, Stephen Weeks, Matt Lilek, Matt Truppe, Derek McCurdy, John Weinheimer, James Thorne, Bill Johnson, Morgan Mai, Michael Weems, David Klein, Ashley Witt, and Jenn Cutter for their inspiration, encouragement, ideas, and spell checks. Thanks to Leo Laporte who played Leon Laponte against his will. Thanks to "random guy," whose picture played the face of Bernie. His picture was the number one search result for the word "fugly" in Google Images. Thanks to Albert's mother, for having the sense to move out into the trailer in Albert's yard. Thanks to all the people who kept coming back to B^3 for their daily dose of boredom. Most of all, thanks to Mike Bernstein, for tolerating a joke.

What started out as a blog parody quickly grew into a complete waste of my time. Thanks for wasting it with me. It was fun while it lasted.



  ¶ 2:22 AM 3 comments

Epilogue A couple of weeks after Bernie finished his blog, he got the three comic books that he submitted to be graded back from CGC Comics. Although the grading was lower than he had hoped, he did manage to make the grading fee back and then some by selling the comics on eBay. He opened a savings account to save up for some moving money, because he felt it was time that he moved out of his parent's house. He opened the account with a deposit of $110.

It was a start.

Now that he had a feel for how the comic book collecting business worked, Bernie set out to sell the rest of his father's comics. After mentioning his intentions use the comic book money to move out to his father, he was told that Grandpa Michaels had a comic book collection. Bernie was amused to learn that he had come from a long line of nerds. Grandpa Michaels had passed away several years earlier, and his dad stored some of his old possessions in the attic. Bernie's dad thought the comics were stored up there in an old steamer trunk. He told Bernie that he was welcomed to sell the comics to help out his moving fund, if he could find them.

Bernie ventured into the attic and discovered three things. First, he found the source of the beetle infestation. I know what you're thinking, folks. The way Bernie's life usually goes, you're thinking that the beetles were feeding off of his grandfather's old comic collection.

That's exactly what Bernie thought too, but upon further investigation, he was relieved to discover that the beetles had gotten into some packets of old seeds that were stored along with some old gardening tools in a large dusty box. Their food supply was nearly exhausted, which would explain why the beetles were showing up in other parts of the house: they were looking for another source of food.

Bernie located his grandfather's old steamer trunk. Opening the truck, he didn't see any old comics, but he did find some of his grandfather's most cherished possessions. There were some family photo albums, with pictures of his grandparents, his aunt and uncles, and his father as a young boy. He also found his grandfather's old marine uniform from the time he served in the Korean War. There were also several medals that his father had been awarded while in the marines. Bernie knew that his grandfather served in the Korean War, but he had no idea that he was a decorated marine. Bernie was very impressed, and felt a sense of pride in his family that he never felt before. Bernie's grandather may have been a nerd, but he was a hero too. That was Bernie's second discovery. At the bottom of the trunk, Bernie made a third discovery.

There, he found a scratched up old wooden box. The wooden box looked like the kind of box that would be used to store the family silverware. Opening the box, it was as if Bernie were seeing the mysterious glowing contents of the attaché case that John Trivolta opened up in Pulp Fiction.

What he found was not silver, but gold. Pure paper gold.

Bernie's heart raced as he found himself staring at a nearly pristine copy of Action Comics #1, the ultimate holy grail of comic book collecting. Published by DC comics in June of 1938, this was the comic that introduced the world to Superman. But that wasn't all. Below the Action Comics #1 were several other comics. Bernie carefully carried the box downstairs so he could get these comics straight into Mylar bags. Although it was a small collection, it was clear that Grandpa Michaels had wisely preserved some of the comics most coveted by collectors. Among this small stack of comics was Superman #1, Batman #1, Detective Comics #1, Whiz Comics #2, the first Captain Marvel comic, and Detective Comics #27, which introduced the world to Batman. There were seventeen comics in all, each one of them highly collectible issues from the Golden Age of comics.

Despite the age of this collection, they looked like they had never been read, and the box that they were stored in protected them from humidity. The paper had aged a little, very little. The covers were highly reflective, the colors were bright, and the paper was white to off-white.

The collection sold at Sotheby's Auction House for over two million dollars. Bernie gave half of the proceeds from the auction to his parents, and used the other half to buy a house in Lebanon.

Lebanon, New Jersey, that is.

Howie moved in with Bernie. They were joined by Howie's cats who were terrorized on a daily basis by the roomba, much to Bernie's amusement. In time, the cats got over their fear of the roomba, and had a great time chasing it around the house as it vacuumed the carpet.

Before moving out of his parent's house, Bernie threw a party at his place. His new friends' cars were parked from one end of the block to another. He did not invite the neighbors. After he moved out, his parents sold the trailer and moved back into their house.

If this tale sounds like pure fantasy, that's because it is, but why shouldn't it be fantasy? After all, this entire blog has been a work of fiction. There is no Bernie. There is no Howie. There is no Len, no Frank, no Molly, no Charlie, no Curty, no Squeaks, no Derka, no Dustbin, no CrimeScene, no Leon Laponte and no KFE radio. Bernie's parents did not live in a trailer in the yard. Jane Curtin does not hang out in a chatroom with a bunch of computer geeks. It was all fiction.

Where else but in a work of fiction would you find such a ridiculously happy ending?

New Jersey?  ¶ 7:43 PM 2 comments

Bernie Out! Sometimes life changing events happen because you want them to happen, you plan for them, you strive for them. Other times, life changing events just happen. Well, today just kind of happened.

Howie showed up at my place at about half past two in the afternoon. I was moderating Leon Laponte's chatroom at the time. After letting Howie in, I typed, "g2g. I have company," and then I disconnected from chat.

My mom and dad showed up minutes later. I put out snacks and hit the kitchen.

I already had a chicken filled with stuffing roasting in the oven. While Howie and my parents were getting acquainted in the living room, I put a pot of water on the stove and started preparing the mashed potatoes. Once I got the potatoes in the water, I started preparing fresh string beans for the steamer. While I was steaming the string beans, I put some dinner rolls in the bun warmer and started mashing the potatoes, mixing in a bit of milk, butter, salt and pepper.

I set the table, brought out all the food, and the four of us sat down for what was to become one of the most eventful meals of my life.

At first, our dinner conversation was as harmless as dinner conversation gets. We talked mostly about the weather, which has been very nice the past couple of days, and a huge relief compared the deluge of rain we've been getting lately. And then, out of nowhere, Howie decides that he wants to push my parent's buttons.

"So, Mr. and Mrs. Michaels," said Howie, "you folks are Catholics, right?"

"Yes, that's right," my mother says.

"Well," says Howie, "my family was never terribly religious, and I'm a little confused about the Catholic church's views on one particular subject. I hope you don't mind me asking where you stand on homosexuality."

My mom and dad glance at each other. I glare at Howie.

My mom says, "I believe that we are all God's children, and that God loves each and every one of us. However, the Bible makes it quite clear that homosexuality is an abomination and a sin."

"So," says Howie, "you're on the fence about it."

"We don't hate homosexuals, if that's what you're getting at," said my dad. "Heck, one time, in this bar, this homo came on to me. Sure, I could have punched his lights out, but I didn't. I just told him that I didn't swing that way."

"How very Christian of you," said Howie.

"Howie," I said, "Give it a rest. Let's just enjoy our meal."

"Bernie," replied Howie, "Don't you have something to tell your parents?"

My mom and dad glanced at each other again.

I say, "Me? No, not that I can think of."

Howie picks up a bite of chicken with his fork and puts it in his mouth. "Mmm," says Howie, looking me square in the eye, "this sure is some tasty chicken." And then Howie starts flapping his arms and clucking like a chicken.

I wanted to kill him.

"Stop it!" I yell. I was a little embarrassed for raising my voice. "Fine," I said, and then I took a deep breath. "Mom, Dad..." The moment had arrived. There was no turning back now. "In the words of our former Governor, Jim Mcgreevey, I am a Gay American!"

And then my mom smiled. "We kinda figured, Bernie Boy." My mom glanced at my dad.

"Yeah," my dad added, "I think we didn't realize it until we saw you with that nurse we had over on the fourth of July." He turns to my mom and says, "What was her name again? Holly? Molly?"

"Molly," said my mom.

"Yeah, that's it," said my dad. Turning to me, he said, "You looked pretty uncomfortable around her, Bernie, and that girl was nice. Did you get a load of her...," my dad cupped both of his hands over his chest to make the universal sign for breasts. My mom glared at my dad. My dad put his hands down. Howie snorted.

"So," my mom says, "I'm not sure if I even need to ask this next question, but," she paused, searching for the right words, "Are you dating anybody?"

Howie and I glanced at each other. My mom and Howie glanced at each other. Howie and my dad glanced at each other. My mom and my dad glanced at me. It was an orgy of glancing, but little real eye contact.

My mom asks, "So, how long have you two been seeing each other?"

"It'll be one week tomorrow," I said. Suddenly, the words just started to flow from my mouth. "Things just kinda clicked into place during our trip to Atlantic City last week. To be honest, I didn't even know I was gay until then. The thought had crossed my mind a few times, I suppose, but for the most part, I've been living in denial. In fact, I didn't even like Howie when I first met him, but as I got to know him, I realized that the reason I didn't like him was that he was so much like me, and I didn't like myself. Once I came to the realization that I was gay, I started learning to accept myself, and Howie."

After a moment, my mom, who can always be relied upon to break an awkward silence, said, "Listen, Bernie, no matter what decisions you make in life, no matter what you do, you will always be our son, and we will always love you." She smiled at me, and I smiled back.

Then I turned to my father, who was caught a little off guard as he was piling more stuffing on his plate. He looked up at me and said, "Yeah. What she said," and he smiled as well as he helped himself to another spoonful of stuffing.

Feeling like I had just weathered a storm in a leaky boat and safely reached the shore, I said, "Now eat up everybody, before your dinner gets cold."

They did as they were told, and it was good.

Now that I've learned to accept who I am, and have gained the acceptance of the people I love, I feel that it's time that I step away from the computer and get out there to explore everything that life has to offer. In my efforts to deny my true self, I clung to the things that comforted me: computers, gadgets, toys, and solitude. No longer will I need to build a wall of electronics and other creature comforts around me to protect myself from finding out who I am. No longer do I feel the need to revel in my folly as I go from one bad purchase to another, and proclaim to the world in my online journal what an unfortunate consumer I've been. No longer do I feel that I was born a loser and will always be a loser.

In other words: you won't have Bernie Michaels to kick around anymore. That's right, dear readers: although my original intent when I started writing this thing was to give you all something to laugh at, my journey has taken an unexpected turn, and I no longer wish to be the subject of self-ridicule. My desire now is to continue to get to know the new Bernie, and instead of wallowing in my self loathing by making a mockery of my life for strangers like you to read, I want to hold my head up high, be proud of who I am, and be admired by those around me.

Like you've read in so many other fairy tales, this is my happy ending. Thank you for going along with me on my journey, but I must now bid you all a fond farewell. It seems I've got some living to do.

Bernie out, and proud.
- Bernie  ¶ 8:37 PM 4 comments

Weekend At Bernie's Howie stopped by to hang out with me today. We did the usual things that two geeks do when they hang out together: we played a little Xbox, I broke out the Nintendo 64 for a little old school gaming with The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, we played with my collection of Star Wars figures and I showed Howie my dad's collection of old comics. Howie was quite impressed with the comic books, and I was impressed by how carefully he handled them.

After Howie left, my mom stopped by. It's so nice that she takes the time to travel all the way from the trailer in the yard to visit me.

She had seen Howie leave earlier and she was curious about him. As you may recall, until recently, I didn't have any friends, so seeing me have a visitor must have seemed strange. When I explained that he was a friend from work, she seemed delighted. She suggested that I invite him over for supper tomorrow so she and dad can meet him.

I called Howie and asked him if it could make it over the next day. Much to my dismay, he said "yes." It's not that I mind them meeting each other. It just seems like the second I get a bit of a life, my mother feels the need to stick her nose in it. To be fair, I guess that's partly my fault. If I could just get my act together, stop mooching off my parents, and move the hell out of their house, my mother would probably feel less inclined to tune into The Bernie Show. I'd have a life of my own, in a place of my own.

In other words: I'd be like a (gulp) adult.

I hope that wouldn't mean that I'd have to stop playing with my Star Wars figures.

Seriously, would it?
- Bernie  ¶ 11:15 PM 0 comments

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes My life has been seeing some profound changes lately. I'm experiencing things that I don't have the energy or the inclination to discuss just yet. I'm learning things about myself that I never knew before. I'm both frightened and excited.

No wait!

I'm three things: frightened, excited, relieved, and confused. I'm four things! I'm frightened, excited, relieved, confused, and happy. Five things!

I'm five things, and one of them is "happy."

Like The Spanish Inquisition, NOBODY expected that, least of all, me.
- Bernie  ¶ 9:59 PM 2 comments

Hollywood Types I had a little run in with one of the regulars from the KFE chatroom who didn't think the Leon blooper was funny. The chatter, who goes by the nickname "Jane," is none other than Jane Curtin, an original cast member of Saturday Night Live and co-star of the TV series, Kate & Allie as well as 3rd Rock from the Sun. These days, she apparently has nothing better to do with her time than to hang out in chatrooms with computer geeks one third of her age.

Yesterday, I put a link to the blooper in the chatroom's topic. Here's an excerpt from an exchange that Jane Curtin and I had soon after she signed on this afternoon:

<Bernie_M>	Hi Jane
<Jane>	Hi Bernie_M
<Bernie_M>	Jane, check out the link in the topic.
<Jane>	1 sec, I'm not done yelling at my agent.
A few minutes later...
<Jane>	I'm back. Bernie_M what about the link in topic?
<Bernie_M>	Jane: You hear it?
<Jane>	yeah, so?
<Bernie_M>	Humor is lost on you
<Jane>	it's not funny
<Bernie_M>	Like I said, humor is lost on you
<Jane>	of the two of us, I believe I was the only paid, working, comedian :)
<DeadRoxanne>	that makes leon sound like a jerk
<scooby-doo>	you're a comedian jane?
<Jane>	wait, so it's Leon's fault they gave him a difficult if not impossible task?
<Bernie_M>	Jane: Odd. I never heard you say or do anything funny.
<Jane>	scooby-doo, yes, and an actress. I used to be on SNL and a couple of successful TV shows.
<Jane>	same to you Bernie_M.
<Jane>	good times :)
<Bernie_M>	But I don't profess to be a comedian
<scooby-doo>	SNL?
<Jane>	saturday night live
<scooby-doo>	never heard of it
<Jane>	It's been on for over 30 years, scooby-doo. It's STILL ON!
<Bernie_M>	Jane: caps.
<Jane>	CAP THIS
<scooby-doo>	jane, what night is it on?
<Jane>	saturday. duh.
<scooby-doo>	I see Jenn
<scooby-doo>	got any videos of your act?
<Jane>	Yes, scooby-doo, you can get them in just about any video store.
<scooby-doo>	...
<Jane>	I did a voice in the movie Antz for christ's sake!
<Bernie_M>	Cool
<scooby-doo>	cool
<DeadRoxanne>	cool
<Bernie_M>	All I can say is KFE screwed up big time
<Jane>	exactly, which isn't exactly side-splitting humour.
<Bernie_M>	Humor is lost on you

Jane had more to say, but on this site, I get the last word.
- Bernie  ¶ 3:39 AM 2 comments