Parental Filter I stopped by the trailer today and asked my mother if there have been any replies to the personal ad she placed in my name.

"No, Bernie, not yet," she says. "I thought you weren't interested in dating anyway."

"I'm not, mom," I say, "but you can't blame me for being a little curious."

"Of course not, Bernie," she said. "I can understand that."

"Not a single response?" I pout.

"Well, there were a couple, actually, but you wouldn't be interested," says my mom.

I perk up, "Of course I wouldn't be interested. I thought I made that clear," I say. "So, who responded?"

"Well," she says, if you must know, one was from a 24 year-old woman from Clinton. She's a teacher."

"Is she cute?" I ask, again, out of curiosity.

"She's Episcopalian," my mother says.

"Episcopalian!," I exclaim. "Oh yeah, we can't have that, now, can we? I mean, how can you be sure that their God is the same as our God. Maybe their Jesus is different too. And can you imagine mixing Catholic and Episcopalian blood? The children would probably come out all deformed. Thanks for protecting me from a fate worse than death, mom."

"Oh Bernie Boy," she giggles.

"What about the other response?" I ask my mom.

"Oh, it was from some rude person making a bad joke."

"Huh?"

My mom says, "It was from...," I could see she was having trouble finding the words. "It was from a man," she whispers. "He said he was looking for some," again, she faltered. "He was looking for some man on man action," she blushed.

I laugh. "Let me see the responses," I ask. "I'm just curious."

"I'm sorry, Bernie," my mom says. "I deleted them."

What a joke. Not only did my mother have the nerve to place a personal ad in my name without my consent, but now she's filtering the responses. With a firewall like my mother, I'll never get a date.

What a relief!
- Bernie  ¶ 4:17 PM