Why I Don't Date When I got home from work today, I felt like having a quick sandwich, but I didn't have any coldcuts in the fridge, so I decided to stop by the trailer to see if I could glom a sandwich off of my mom.

I knocked on the trailer door and heard my mom yell, "Just a minute!" After waiting a bit, she opens the door, and says, "Sorry, dear. I was just getting dressed."

I shrugged and walked into the trailer, "I just thought I'd drop by and say hi. How you doing?"

She says, "Oh, I'm fine." I sit down at the kitchen table, which, as always, triggers the magic words: "Do you want anything to eat?"

"Sure, Mom," I say. "That'd be great."

She pulls out all the sandwich fixings, I tell her what I want, and she proceeds to make me a sandwich. My mom makes a killer roast beef sandwich.

She says, "I just bought this dress. I was just trying it on. What do you think? It doesn't make me look fat, does it?"

I said, "No, Mom, not at all." After a short pause for comedic effect, I said, "Your fat makes you look fat."

She pauses in mid-mayo-spread, puts down the knife, and says, "Make your own damn sandwich." Then she bursts into tears and runs into her bedroom.

I just don't get women! Why can't they take a joke?

I yell after her, "Aww, come on, Mom. I was kidding! You know I was kidding. You look great, Mom. It's a beautiful dress! It's so slimming. That's why I said that it makes you look fat. It was sarcasm, you see? The dress makes you look thin, so, natuarally, I said it makes you look fat, but as a joke! If it really made you look fat, I'd probably say that it makes you look skinny. See?"

"Mom!"

"Mom!"

After a few minutes of that, I finally coaxed her out of her bedroom. It's a good thing too.

That sandwich hit the spot!
- Bernie  ¶ 4:49 PM