No Fireworks I had the day off from work today to celebrate the Fourth of July. As was the case on Memorial Day, I had plans to join my parents in a backyard barbeque. This morning, I got a call from my mother asking me to set an extra place at our table. It seems she had invited a "friend" that she wanted me to meet.

My mother had gone grocery shopping for food, so I asked her, "Did you buy enough food for an extra person?"

My mom said, "Yes, Bernie Boy. I bought plenty. Don't worry about that."

I didn't like the way she phrased that. Was there something that I did need to worry about? There was something about my mother inviting a mystery guest that gave me an uneasy feeling.

Early this afternoon, I went to the backyard to set up the grill and the card table and folding chairs that we use as a makeshift picnic table. When I went back into the house to get four place settings for the table, I took a peek outside and noticed a car I hadn't seen before parked in front of the house. I assumed that my mother's guest had arrived, and was in the trailer with my parents.

While I was setting the table, I saw the trailer door swing open, and out emerged my mom, my dad, and a woman that I'd never set my eyes on before. She looked a little young to be one of my mother's friends. In fact, I'd say she was a lot closer to my age than my mother's.

They walked up to me and my mom said, "Bernie, I want you to meet Molly. Molly, this is my son Bernie." I was beginning to get the idea that this "friend" of my mother's was a surprise blind date for me.

Molly put out her hand and said, "It's nice to meet you, Bernie." I shook her hand, but I was too tongue-tied to say anything.

I picked up the barbeque apron to put it on, but my dad grabbed it and said, "Let me man the barbeque today, son. Have a seat and get aquainted with our guest." I reluctantly joined my mother and her "friend" while my dad fired up the grill.

My mom says, "Molly is a nurse at the Hunterdon Medical Center. Isn't that nice?"

"Where do you know her from?" I asked my mother, getting right to the point. Molly and my mother exchanged nervous glances.

"If you must know, Bernie, Molly answered your personal ad."

I freakin' knew it! This was a set up!

"It's not my personal ad," I pointed out.

Molly smiled and said, "I know that now. To be perfectly honest, I wrote in just to ask if the personal ad was a joke. Not that I think that you're a joke, mind you. It's just that the ad didn't sound like the kind of things that a man would be writing about himself. When your mother wrote back to me and admitted that she had written the personal ad, it made perfect sense. It sounded like something a mother would write about her son."

"I told her that I had been trying to get you to start dating," said my mother.

"She's a sly one," Molly joked.

I laughed awkwardly and said, "Meddlesome is more like it."

My mother turned to Molly and said, "You see. This is what I get for trying to help."

Molly smiled and said, "I realize that this probably feels like an ambush."

"Uh, yeah!" I said.

"However," Molly continued, "I don't want you to feel any pressure. I work a lot of night shifts and don't have much time for dating anyway. I just thought it would be nice to come by and meet you. As a matter of fact, I'm working tonight."

"That's too bad," my mother frowned. "I was hoping you two kids would be able to go to the fireworks display tonight."

"I would if I could, Mrs. Michaels," said Molly, "but I'm afraid that duty calls. I hope you don't think me rude, but I have just enough time to have dinner with you, but then I'm off to the hospital."

I yelled to my dad, "Dad, you need any help with the barbeque?"

"No," my dad responded. "I got it. Just relax."

"Anyway, Bernie." said Molly, "I don't want you to feel pressured at all. As I was saying, I don't have much time for dating now anyway, and I'm not looking to get into anything serious, so let's just relax and enjoy your dad's cooking." She patted me on my knee. I stared at my knee until she withdrew her hand, then I stared at her. By the looks of her, she was no stranger to barbeques. Her round face seemed perfectly at home perched upon her round body. She did have a nice smile though.

"Don't just stare at her, Bernie," my mother said. "Say something."

"Something," I said.

"Tell her what you do for a living, Bernie," my mother said.

I barely glanced at my mother, too angry about this surprise date to look at her.

I looked at Molly and said, "I repair computers for my company."

"He's a help-desk technician," my mother chimed in, apparently thinking that my title would somehow impress this woman.

"It's not that big a deal," I said.

"So," said Molly, "you do for computers what I do for people."

"You give me too much credit," I said to Molly. "At least computers don't talk back to you and crap in their beds."

"Bernie!" my mother exclaimed.

Molly laughed, "I suppose that's true."

I really wish that my mother had listened to me when I told her I didn't want to date. Molly seemed like a nice person and all, but there was just no chemistry between us. I don't get too many days off from work, and here I was, forced to awkwardly make conversation with a stranger on the Fourth of July. I found it ironic that, of all the days to try and rob me of my independence, my mother chose Independence Day.

Somehow, I made it through dinner, afterwhich, Molly said her goodbyes, got in her car, and left for work.

As soon as she left, I turned to my mother and said, "Don't ever do that to me again."

My dad yelled, "Don't you disrespect your mother!"

I said, "When is somebody going to show me some respect? I said I didn't want to date, and yet you spring one on me anyway."

"That was hardly a date, Bernie," said my father. "That was merely an introduction. If you want to date, you have to take the next step."

"Don't hold your breath," I said. My mom looked like she was about to cry. I softened my tone and said, "I know you mean well, mom. But please, I'm begging you, please stop trying to fix me up with people. I'll do it in my own time."

My mother managed to regain her composure and said, "Fine. I tried. I'm sorry I upset you." I could see that I had upset her as well, and I felt bad about it.

I'm staying home for the rest of the night. There will be no fireworks for Bernie Michaels on this Forth of July.
- Bernie  ¶ 8:21 PM